This is satire / sarcasm. If this reads too real for you, then uh, lol.
Christ Roberts has announced that CIG and Star Citizen have reorganized into a non-profit, to assist him in purchasing big ticket items with the everlasting donations to his glorious ideas. Throwing away the tired and used veil of creating a game, which years upon years has yet to deliver anything but a barely working alpha, Christ Roberts has concluded that his game is more of a spiritual work than a physical one and the game will therefore launch in the afterlife.
The ships you receive will be based on your good deeds in this world. For instance, if you tithe 10% of your income and give at every donation drive, you will likely get a mid-tier ship in the afterlife like most of your other Star Citizens. Failure to donate, but tithing will grant you a starter ship in the afterlife and for those who give nothing – your Star Citizenship will be revoked and you’ll have to work in the afterlife version of customer support to re-earn your Star Citizenship. Those who work their way to the ultimate truth of Star Citizen, which we won’t spoil but likely has a cameo by Xenu, will get access to the capital ships.
Here in the meat space, CIG will continue to create JPGs of ships you’ll be able to fly in the afterlife, sort of a teaser of what the great divine Christ Roberts has brought to his followers. Much like Scientology, the newly formed “Star Citizenship” program is compatible with most major religions – minimum requirements are “any religion with an afterlife where you can have a beefy gaming rig.” Depending on your beliefs, this could go as far as to being reborn in a real Star Citizen universe or at the very least, having a GTX 2080 Ti to power the real launched edition of the game from your good deeds or power of manifestation.
Having raised $218 million since 2012 for a game that has taken around who knows how long to develop, Christ Roberts figures that it’s time to give people a little something more than a broken alpha – it’s to give them spiritual fulfillment. Each tithe and donation will empower them in the afterlife to reach their true calling – to be the wing commander that they always dreamed of.
In this matrix of spiritual packages, Star Marine or Space Marine or whatever in the world the FPS game that was canceled and barely gets mentioned these days, will be available in the afterlife of the afterlife or what is beyond – assuming you continue to tithe to Christ Roberts in the afterlife. Players will finally get to play Gears of War, but with an entire life and another life’s dedication behind it.
Of course, no religion is without a bad guy. Derek Smart has been identified as the anti-Star Citizen, or the “illegal star alien.” The only sin within the spiritual platform laid out is to interact or converse with the illegal star alien and requires Star Citizens at any given time “build spiritual walls” around his disinformation – like highlighting the 2015 financials and how screwed the development of the game is. Derek Smart, meanwhile, has moved on to greener fields like the Epic Games store fiasco and “real life.”
Major news outlets have thrown their support behind this transition, noting that 10% of a player’s income is likely less than what they’re paying for the latest JPGs and likely healthier. Star Citizens themselves note that the new spiritual fulfillment part of their donations are a real value add. Christ Roberts and his wife can now use the company to tax shelter their big ticket purchases without fear of having to spend the funds on real development or the next big excuse for why nothing has happened, like let’s throw the whole game engine away and start fresh then get sued thing that they’ve been working on.
Here at Game Truth we will continue to probe for the truth in regards to if this is a real religion or just a sham, but so far it passes our litmus test for a real religion. Peace be with you, Star Citizens.